Let me first say that I was halfway through a really sweet blog entry (in my humble opinion) about our recent visit to Washington, DC. For all the DC friends out there that check out this blog occasionally, let me say this until I have a chance to finish that entry---thank you, a million times over, for making our trip so fantastic. We miss you. We love you. We're so glad you got to meet our little bean, and hope you can come visit us in Chicago soon.
I'm also working on a blog entry for EJ's four month "birthday" today. Stay tuned until later tonight for that one.
What I absolutely must write about, though, is today's visit to EJ's pediatrician. We met with this doctor before little Babylu, as we called her in utero, even came into the world. She was smart, personable, and very reachable by phone/page. My only reservation with this doctor was that her native language is Chinese, and she can be very difficult to understand. After interviewing several doctors, we decided that the language challenge was not insurmountable, and we chose this doc.
From the very first postnatal visit, I had a feeling we were in trouble. I was a mess---days after a c-section, having trouble walking (much less coming down the three full flights of stairs from our condo to our parking lot), having more trouble nursing, and worried about everything. The doctor took a look at the baby and told us that, although her size and weight loss were within normal ranges, she was smaller than she should be, and her behavior told her that she was hungry. And she was hungry at that visit, because I had only packed the measly amount of breastmilk I had pumped, and she needed some more supplementation to calm down. I had none, and she had a meltdown in the waiting room before we got back to the examining room. The doctor then lifted up my shirt and started grabbing my breasts, telling me that my milk hadn't really come in, and pressing and squeezing them until I winced. After the groping, we then were told we had to collect all of EJ's diapers for a 24 hour period, then come back in 2 days to have the baby and the diapers weighed to see if she was finally gaining enough weight.
We were also told at this visit that the flat spot on the back, right side of EJ's head was troublesome to the doctor. We were told to immediately start placing the baby on her opposite side to even out the flat head and avoid any additional trouble. She really flipped out about the head thing---it was obviously one of her big medical "pet peeves."
I left the appointment sobbing. I had failed at feeding the baby, and she had this horrible flat head (at least that was the doctor's impression) that might need a helmet. Ugh.
We went back two days later, the baby had gained enough weight, and I figured that I had just been feeling hormonal and sensitive the last time I had seen the doctor.
Well, the flat head comments haven't stopped. Everytime we go there, I am told "You are not doing a good enough job. You have to work harder. The baby's head is so flat." Today was no exception. We told the doc that it was getting better---we live with her, and we can tell it's changed. We tried to tell her that EJ always sleeps on her opposite side, so that we don't think the bad side will get any flatter. Tried is the important word here---she wouldn't listen. "Not good enough---must work harder." That's all she could say.
I've been saying for weeks that we need a new doc. I've been sure since the last visit, when she drew an insane diagram for us where she instructed me (not my husband---just me) to sleep next to the bean with my arm pressing down on her head so that she can't turn onto the flat side. I've been trying to wait to switch, though, as I'm going to have to find work soon, and I'm hoping we'll get better insurance (with more choices of physicians). Why switch now, right?
Well, here's why. Because I really, really, really dislike this woman now. She never listens to us. At first, I felt so unsure of myself, I guess I didn't think listening to me was important. Now, I know that Mike and I are experts in EJ, and I'm irritated that she runs through a stupid checklist and asks her questions but never listens to our concerns earnestly, never asks us what we think, etc. It's horrible.
Compounding the problem is the fact that she is next to impossible to understand. If she was a dreamy person with a great bedside manner, I'd sit with her for three hours trying to figure out how much Tylenol she's telling me to give my child. She's not, though. If I understood every word she said I wouldn't want to spend two extra seconds there.
Do I sound angry? Bitter? Hurt? Well, I may. Because today she went over the line to a place I can't even comment on without actual smoke coming out of my ears. Today, when commenting on how great of a grower EJ is, she showed me the "schedule" for eating that most babies follow. It said that babies her age and size usually eat 6-8 ozs per feeding. Well, EJ is eating 4 oz bottles, with an occasional 6 oz when she's really hungry. So I said something like, "wow, EJ really is a little eater---she eats lots of smaller meals throughout the day." But before I could finish, our fantastic pediatrician jumped in and said, "Don't feed her more. She's growing well. I don't want her to be so overweight like her mother---I don't want her to go crazy eating and gaining weight like you---so big."
Oh yes, this momma is so big. And so ticked. And you are so not going to get her business anymore. Because let me teach you something, Dr. Nightmare, if you're willing to listen to me for the first time. I don't need a news flash to tell me that I have a weight problem. It is a great personal struggle. And not shockingly, the thought of childhood obesity is something that absolutlely petrifies me. The number one reason I was worried about breastfeeding not working out was that there is some research out there that links formula feeding to obesity in kids. The number one personal worry I have is that I will not be back on a good workout/eating regimen within the year, and I will model bad health and bad self-esteem for my daughter. The number one emotional torment of my childhood was my struggle with my weight, and I have probably talked with my husband a million times about strategies to help our children have active, healthy lifestyles to avoid that mess. I didn't need the newsflash, doc, and if you were trying to talk to me about a medical issue in a useful way, you missed the mark by a mile.
We left without making a six-month appointment. When we get back from Thanksgiving, I am going to start pediatrician shopping. Because you know what? This mommy needs to feel listened to, respected, and understood by her daughter's doctor. Understood to be what she is---her daughter's advocate. Not a fat, poorly-disciplined loser. I will not be talked to that way by a doctor again. Ever. Period.
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8 comments:
OH. MY. GOD. Someone, meaning you and every other pissed off parent (and I'm sure there are many), needs to contact this pediatrician's superior and report such unprofessional behavior. Contact the insurance company to complain. Contact the hospital. Contact every stinking person you can think of. And be sure to send a copy of the complaint to the doctor so she can read what a horrible person she is. I have smoke coming out of my ears just from reading this. Wow. I am so so sorry. Hang in there. You will find someone better. You certainly can't find someone worse.
I am so totally with Jean. That was exactly what I was going to suggest: report this woman to whomever there is to report her to! As I was reading that, my jaw literally dropped open. I have carpet lint on my chin. And this one I cannot attribute to some sort of cultural misunderstanding on her part. She is a physician for crumbs sake! Ooooo, I'm smokin' now, too. How utterly unprofessional and, moreover, insensitive. Move on, darlin'. There have got to be far better peds out there than this crazy woman. And if you can't write a letter of complaint without steaming, just cut and paste that part of your blog and send it on to her superior. Someone needs to tell Dr. Sensitivity what's what.
Hugs! And, by the way, you are going to be a Great role model for EJ! Yes, you've had to struggle for that ever-elusive self-esteem sometimes, but who better to teach her how to find it when it hides?
Wow. Wow. Wow. It sounds like Mike was there too -- glad he heard this with his own ears because if it were me, I might have imagined I had hallucinated the whole thing! It's so far out of the realm of acceptable.
It is a cultural thing -- and that doesn't mean it should be excused or that you should, god forbid, go back to her. In China people make very blunt comments about other people's physical appearance all the time, and overweight is still thought of by many as a sign of robust good health and prosperity. People cheerfully told Erik all the time how fat he was, and since he's not very sensitive about it, he would laugh right along with them. Then there's the authority thing, the same reason it didn't work out with us and our chinese nanny -- if a chinese person is a position of authority over you, they expect to be able to tell you anything and you'll put your head down and obey.
But you know what? If I were practicing medicine in China, you better believe I'd be studying these cultural differences and doing my best to communicate with my patients in a culturally acceptable way. The same goes for her. But sadly, it seems like doctors get away with a lot of cultural insensitivity. My mom works with a doctor, who also comes from an Eastern culture, who takes it upon himself to lecture every young unmarried mother who gives birth at their hospital, while the poor girls are lying there recovering from childbirth.
I hope you find someone great. Wish we could bring Nutmeg's aweesome ped with us when we move.
I have no words.
The only thing I can add (because all these wonderful women wrote the right things for me) is this:
Pediatricians not only have to care for the baby, but also for the parent. It's part of their job, even though some REALLY suck at it. Because sometimes when your kid is sick, and you are going out of your mind, the right thing to do is care for the baby (medicine, no medicine…) and then care for the stressed out parent by reassuring them, calming their fears, listening.
As most people know, bedside manner is not taught in med school.
Phoebe was really sick for the first year of her life. I was SO tired bringing her back to the MD month after month. I finally snapped, because the MD wasn't listening to my fears that we may have been dealing with something more then just constant sickness.
It was then that he put her chart down and really talked to me, calmed me down, and listened.
I know this is a bit opposite from your MD who is suggesting she has a problem (flat head) and you know it's no big deal. Trust yourself. Find a new MD who will take care of the WHOLE family.
i hate her. she is evil! i am going all sortsa ninja on her ass & then ROSHAMBO her ass when i've finally made her cry hard enough!!!
i'm talking about the doc, not you or EJ--just incase you were confused! HAH!
by the way, aunty elise got EJ her first fabulous dress, fuck this pastel baby shit. my girl will be styling just like her aunty!
As I said on the board being foreign gives her no excuse and I am SO SORRY to read you had to go through that. I believe you'll make a fine role model for EJ and can't wait to hear about the awesome new ped you find! Chat soon!?
that is terrible!! awful! I think it may be a cultural thing, the bluntness. She needs to realize the majority of folks don't appreciate that at all.
This reminds me of my visits to the nail salon. The little ladies usually take the opportunity to ask me if I want my lip hair waxed.
i want so badly to let them know how rude it is to insinuate i have a mustache problem. If I do, I'll be the first to ask for a wax.
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