Here's a transcript of a conversation I had with EJ yesterday, and as per usual, she seemed to bring it back around to Lovey, her little green blanket and "best friend."
EJ: Mommy, you are a woman and I am a woman, right?
Me: I'm a woman, and you are a girl. A girl becomes a woman when she grows up.
EJ: An adult girl is a woman.
Me: Right.
EJ: That means I'm a very little woman.
Me: Yep. A "woman-to-be."
EJ: You know what? That means you are a very big woman, and I am a very little woman, and Lovey is a very SQUARE woman.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
My Valentine
This year's Valentine's Day was not filled with sweeping romantic plans or even a night out, but it was lovely all the same. We had an offer from a good friend to come over and watch EJ for the evening so we could go out to dinner or a movie, but then the President of the United States decided to come home to celebrate his Valentine's Day at his home a block away**, and with the lockdown security, we became concerned that our friend wouldn't be able to a) find a place even remotely nearby to park and b) get past the police and secret service guarding our street once she did make it here.
With this in mind, we kicked around the idea of just leaving town for a night and dropping the kiddo off at her grandparent's place for a sleepover, but we couldn't find a hotel or B&B that seemed worth the effort for the price. I know her grandparents were disappointed, but on a grad school budget, any hotel stay has to be pretty cost-effective to be a possibility.
In the end, though, it wasn't the security chaos or the lack of accommodations that forced a low-key event on us, but rather, it was illness---persistent, merry-go-round, no one knows which member of our little family will have it next, respiratory illness, to be precise. Mike, the third one to catch the crud, came home from the student clinic on Friday with a prescription for antibiotics. and a diagnosis of "atypical pneumonia." He went back to the doc on Monday and was told that his illness probably wasn't pneumonia (thank goodness), but his cough is still shaking the house down in a way that is downright frightening, so you can imagine how sick he was on his first visit.
Ah, the romance. You can feel it, right?
Honestly, though, the day was sweet just as it was. We woke up early and exchanged small valentine presents. Mike isn't a chocolate fiend, but I saw a heart-shaped box of dark chocolates that looked like his style the other day, so I bought it for him. I have never purchased a heart-shaped box for anyone, nor have I received one (that I remember). Mike took the initiative to buy EJ a little valentine from the two of us, since she is almost always with me when I'm shopping, making it harder to slip something past her curious eye. When Mike unveiled our valentine for EJ, I had to smile---it was a little Snoopy doll (one of her new favorites) holding a tiny heart-shaped box. EJ was thrilled, and equally happy to give her daddy his "matching box" that, according to her, she "picked out and bought for [Mike] myself." Then Mike brought out a little something for me, and wouldn't you know it, it was a heart-shaped box of chocolates. Even as sick as he was, Mike had gone the extra mile by opening the box, taking out all of the chocolates that I don't like, and replacing them with extras of my favorites. He is a sweetheart, there is no denying it!
The whole exchange made me chuckle, because without any planning, we had become the three bears of Valentine's Day, with Mike holding the biggest box, me the medium, and EJ the tiny one that, for her, was "just right."
In addition to the chocolates, I purchased some green tea and some vanilla paste (for his homemade yogurt) for Mike earlier in the week, but his cough was so bad the day that I brought them home that I gave him the tea straight-away, then figured I might as well reveal the vanilla paste as well. He made yogurt with the paste, and got to enjoy some on Valentine's Day, so I suppose that counts for timeliness, after all.
He also got me a little something extra---a beautiful, red leather journal with a small heart embossed on the front. Inside, where the title page reads "Il Mio Diario," he wrote, "Kori's Little Book of Self-Love." I held back tears as I read it, because, once again, it showed me how well he listens to me, and how much he thinks about what I'm needing, even when I am not. Lately, I have been feeling down about my accomplishments, my abilities, etc. In my day-to-day life, I don't have much concrete stuff to point to and say, "yes, I did that, I am a success." In the past few weeks, I've committed more accidents than usual, retwisting my ankle, driving our brand-new car into our parking gate hook (leaving a six-foot gash/dent down the side and breaking the tail-light), etc. The house never feels clean, there is always clutter, the laundry is always piling up, etc. I've gained weight, I'm not feeling well, etc. My school work is actually picking up pace now, but for awhile, I felt like I was just stumbling upon delay after delay. I'd call this season of my life the doldrums---I'm not in a storm, but I feel like I'm not getting anywhere, and I can't figure it out, because I'm working harder than ever. I'm guessing this is pretty common among multitasking moms.
Mike and I have both realized that, with all of this going on, the self-dialogue in my head is not running nearly as positive as it needs to be. Of course there are accomplishments in my life, I just can't see them the way I should, because my focus is in the wrong place. It is like a negative-thought snowball rolling downhill, and I need to change it. The little book Mike bought me is a place for me to start writing down what I'm grateful for, what I've enjoyed in a day, what I've accomplished (even if it is small), what I have to look forward to---to change that snowball to something more productive and peaceful. Essentially, it is heart-medicine---heart-medicine that I can give myself a little at a time as I begin, then in greater abundance as I become more in the habit. What more could a gal ask for from her Valentine?
**For those who really want a visual of how close we live, I'm just going to put the Obama's address out there (5046 S. Greenwood Avenue, 60615) and our approximate address (we live on the 5100 block of S. Greenwood Avenue, 60615) and you can Google Map your heart out using the "get directions" tool.
With this in mind, we kicked around the idea of just leaving town for a night and dropping the kiddo off at her grandparent's place for a sleepover, but we couldn't find a hotel or B&B that seemed worth the effort for the price. I know her grandparents were disappointed, but on a grad school budget, any hotel stay has to be pretty cost-effective to be a possibility.
In the end, though, it wasn't the security chaos or the lack of accommodations that forced a low-key event on us, but rather, it was illness---persistent, merry-go-round, no one knows which member of our little family will have it next, respiratory illness, to be precise. Mike, the third one to catch the crud, came home from the student clinic on Friday with a prescription for antibiotics. and a diagnosis of "atypical pneumonia." He went back to the doc on Monday and was told that his illness probably wasn't pneumonia (thank goodness), but his cough is still shaking the house down in a way that is downright frightening, so you can imagine how sick he was on his first visit.
Ah, the romance. You can feel it, right?
Honestly, though, the day was sweet just as it was. We woke up early and exchanged small valentine presents. Mike isn't a chocolate fiend, but I saw a heart-shaped box of dark chocolates that looked like his style the other day, so I bought it for him. I have never purchased a heart-shaped box for anyone, nor have I received one (that I remember). Mike took the initiative to buy EJ a little valentine from the two of us, since she is almost always with me when I'm shopping, making it harder to slip something past her curious eye. When Mike unveiled our valentine for EJ, I had to smile---it was a little Snoopy doll (one of her new favorites) holding a tiny heart-shaped box. EJ was thrilled, and equally happy to give her daddy his "matching box" that, according to her, she "picked out and bought for [Mike] myself." Then Mike brought out a little something for me, and wouldn't you know it, it was a heart-shaped box of chocolates. Even as sick as he was, Mike had gone the extra mile by opening the box, taking out all of the chocolates that I don't like, and replacing them with extras of my favorites. He is a sweetheart, there is no denying it!
The whole exchange made me chuckle, because without any planning, we had become the three bears of Valentine's Day, with Mike holding the biggest box, me the medium, and EJ the tiny one that, for her, was "just right."
In addition to the chocolates, I purchased some green tea and some vanilla paste (for his homemade yogurt) for Mike earlier in the week, but his cough was so bad the day that I brought them home that I gave him the tea straight-away, then figured I might as well reveal the vanilla paste as well. He made yogurt with the paste, and got to enjoy some on Valentine's Day, so I suppose that counts for timeliness, after all.
He also got me a little something extra---a beautiful, red leather journal with a small heart embossed on the front. Inside, where the title page reads "Il Mio Diario," he wrote, "Kori's Little Book of Self-Love." I held back tears as I read it, because, once again, it showed me how well he listens to me, and how much he thinks about what I'm needing, even when I am not. Lately, I have been feeling down about my accomplishments, my abilities, etc. In my day-to-day life, I don't have much concrete stuff to point to and say, "yes, I did that, I am a success." In the past few weeks, I've committed more accidents than usual, retwisting my ankle, driving our brand-new car into our parking gate hook (leaving a six-foot gash/dent down the side and breaking the tail-light), etc. The house never feels clean, there is always clutter, the laundry is always piling up, etc. I've gained weight, I'm not feeling well, etc. My school work is actually picking up pace now, but for awhile, I felt like I was just stumbling upon delay after delay. I'd call this season of my life the doldrums---I'm not in a storm, but I feel like I'm not getting anywhere, and I can't figure it out, because I'm working harder than ever. I'm guessing this is pretty common among multitasking moms.
Mike and I have both realized that, with all of this going on, the self-dialogue in my head is not running nearly as positive as it needs to be. Of course there are accomplishments in my life, I just can't see them the way I should, because my focus is in the wrong place. It is like a negative-thought snowball rolling downhill, and I need to change it. The little book Mike bought me is a place for me to start writing down what I'm grateful for, what I've enjoyed in a day, what I've accomplished (even if it is small), what I have to look forward to---to change that snowball to something more productive and peaceful. Essentially, it is heart-medicine---heart-medicine that I can give myself a little at a time as I begin, then in greater abundance as I become more in the habit. What more could a gal ask for from her Valentine?
**For those who really want a visual of how close we live, I'm just going to put the Obama's address out there (5046 S. Greenwood Avenue, 60615) and our approximate address (we live on the 5100 block of S. Greenwood Avenue, 60615) and you can Google Map your heart out using the "get directions" tool.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Lonely Only
I haven't been paying too much attention to the octuplet story that has been making headlines the past couple of weeks, but yesterday, I watched the video presented below "introducing" the preemies and their mother. Anne Curry, friend to all families of multiples (she has some kind of longitudinal interview contract with the McCaughey septuplets, I swear), conducted this interview, and it was surprisingly direct for Anne, who I think is sometimes too sweet for her own good when taking on tough subjects.
The most interesting part of the interview, for me, was in the first few minutes, when the mom describes why she wanted a big family. Take a look---no need to look at the whole interview, unless that is your cup of tea.
Apparently, being an only child is what led her to want so many kids. She explains how her mom insisted that she (the octuplets' grandma) had given her (the mom of the octuplets) "lots of friends" when she was a child, but friends are not the same as having siblings. She longed for that sibling connection, and admits that she may have transferred her desire for siblings on to her children, continuing to get pregnant so that she could give them this gift.
Obviously, there is some truth to what she is saying---siblings are siblings, and sometimes they are great friends, too, but siblings and friends are not interchangeable. This is no more clear than when siblings AREN'T your friends---when you love them, you think of them when you see things that remind you of them, you share nostalgic memories with them, etc., but you don't have much in common and don't treat each other like friends, per se.
This whole argument made me pause a bit because there is a relatively high probability that EJ will be an only child. I never thought that I would have only one child, nor did Mike, but our three-year experience with infertility and the difficult circumstances around EJ's birth and my postpartum malaise have led us to a place where we are grateful for what we have, and are trying NOT to open ourselves up to longing for another little one.
I had a health scare two weeks ago, though, one that would have threatened any possible chance of me being pregnant again. Thankfully, everything turned out healthy and clear, but the whole experience was unsettling. As resolute as I have been about feeling complete as a family of three, it was still troubling to think that the glimmer of a chance that EJ could have a sibling might be gone. Of course, there is adoption---we started exploring that before EJ was born, and really fell in love with the idea---but that takes money we don't have, and the clock is ticking before we age out of the adoption option.
Personally, I have been told several times how much I am missing because I don't have sisters, primarily from women in my life whose sisters are also their best friends. I don't know about that, though---I love my brothers, and I certainly know other ladies whose sisters have been thorns in their sides for most of their lives. I've also noticed that, as an "only girl," I have developed friendships with a lot of ladies who are also "only girls" in their families, or are separated from a sister by a big age difference.
Unlike with friends, in the game of siblings, "you get what you get, and you don't get upset," to quote Pinkalicious' mom. For the octuplets and their six older siblings, they won't remember a time when there weren't so many, when they weren't sharing time and resources, and when they weren't living in a world with built-in playmates. In our case, I don't know that it is worth my time to worry about EJ's lack of siblings, simply because it takes away from all the time I could be spending just loving her and connecting with her. No, a mom isn't the same as a sister or a brother. But a mom of one and a mom of fourteen aren't the same either, and I know which one I think I can do better.
As for the octuplets' mom, who my fave, Anderson Cooper, reported last night on his show is trying to be like Angelina Jolie (they showed a side-by-side picture of the ladies, and wow, this just gets weirder and weirder), I wish her lots of luck. I hope it all works out for her kids, her parents, and herself. I hope this was the answer she was hoping for all along, and she can get to the work of raising up a family of many siblings who all must rely upon each other to grow and thrive.
As for us, this story has an important lesson: sure, a lot of grandchildren may be great, but raise your "only" to feel secure, content, and loved unconditionally, and you may avoid a whole mess of crazy for your child and you.
The most interesting part of the interview, for me, was in the first few minutes, when the mom describes why she wanted a big family. Take a look---no need to look at the whole interview, unless that is your cup of tea.
Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy
Apparently, being an only child is what led her to want so many kids. She explains how her mom insisted that she (the octuplets' grandma) had given her (the mom of the octuplets) "lots of friends" when she was a child, but friends are not the same as having siblings. She longed for that sibling connection, and admits that she may have transferred her desire for siblings on to her children, continuing to get pregnant so that she could give them this gift.
Obviously, there is some truth to what she is saying---siblings are siblings, and sometimes they are great friends, too, but siblings and friends are not interchangeable. This is no more clear than when siblings AREN'T your friends---when you love them, you think of them when you see things that remind you of them, you share nostalgic memories with them, etc., but you don't have much in common and don't treat each other like friends, per se.
This whole argument made me pause a bit because there is a relatively high probability that EJ will be an only child. I never thought that I would have only one child, nor did Mike, but our three-year experience with infertility and the difficult circumstances around EJ's birth and my postpartum malaise have led us to a place where we are grateful for what we have, and are trying NOT to open ourselves up to longing for another little one.
I had a health scare two weeks ago, though, one that would have threatened any possible chance of me being pregnant again. Thankfully, everything turned out healthy and clear, but the whole experience was unsettling. As resolute as I have been about feeling complete as a family of three, it was still troubling to think that the glimmer of a chance that EJ could have a sibling might be gone. Of course, there is adoption---we started exploring that before EJ was born, and really fell in love with the idea---but that takes money we don't have, and the clock is ticking before we age out of the adoption option.
Personally, I have been told several times how much I am missing because I don't have sisters, primarily from women in my life whose sisters are also their best friends. I don't know about that, though---I love my brothers, and I certainly know other ladies whose sisters have been thorns in their sides for most of their lives. I've also noticed that, as an "only girl," I have developed friendships with a lot of ladies who are also "only girls" in their families, or are separated from a sister by a big age difference.
Unlike with friends, in the game of siblings, "you get what you get, and you don't get upset," to quote Pinkalicious' mom. For the octuplets and their six older siblings, they won't remember a time when there weren't so many, when they weren't sharing time and resources, and when they weren't living in a world with built-in playmates. In our case, I don't know that it is worth my time to worry about EJ's lack of siblings, simply because it takes away from all the time I could be spending just loving her and connecting with her. No, a mom isn't the same as a sister or a brother. But a mom of one and a mom of fourteen aren't the same either, and I know which one I think I can do better.
As for the octuplets' mom, who my fave, Anderson Cooper, reported last night on his show is trying to be like Angelina Jolie (they showed a side-by-side picture of the ladies, and wow, this just gets weirder and weirder), I wish her lots of luck. I hope it all works out for her kids, her parents, and herself. I hope this was the answer she was hoping for all along, and she can get to the work of raising up a family of many siblings who all must rely upon each other to grow and thrive.
As for us, this story has an important lesson: sure, a lot of grandchildren may be great, but raise your "only" to feel secure, content, and loved unconditionally, and you may avoid a whole mess of crazy for your child and you.
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