Zoe

Friends and family reading this entry, please know, there is no need to send me sympathy messages or notes of concern. I'm okay, I'm just worried about my friend's kids, and have been reminded about how important it is to make plans for our kids, especially for times in which we can't be there to protect them. We are now on a mission to get all of our affairs in order.

It was a real Mother's Day yesterday. No greeting card, no brunch, no special plans, but a whole lot of time thinking about and digesting what motherhood is. Earlier in the week, I offered to postpone any mommy-related fanfare, as Mike has his big, annual student talk to give today, and I knew that he would need every moment he could get over the weekend to finish his presentation and practice it. He was very grateful, and I was happy to help. Who wants to have a day of fun and relaxation if you know that your spouse is anxiously looking at the clock, watching precious minutes for time-sensitive work pass by? Not this mama.

So I knew it would be a casual day, but basically, a normal day, when I woke up. EJ gave me a great present (a hand-drawn picture) and a card, and I decided that I would make the family crepes, because, why not? We had the time. For a non-celebratory Mother's Day, it felt like I was getting all the fun, anyway.

I made coffee, then the crepe batter, which needed to rest in the fridge for awhile before we could use it. I got EJ a little cereal to eat and some milk, since she was too hungry to wait for the "fancy breakfast" (her words). I knew that she would chow down on crepes once they were done even if she'd had a box of cereal, since she is in a growth spurt these days. As Mike got the dog out on a walk, I grabbed some computer time, knowing that he would need the laptop the rest of the day.

As I checked my email, I got a notice that a mom-friend of mine, Zoe---a lady I'd met here in Hyde Park through our Parent Support Network---had passed away, suddenly. I couldn't even believe it. We had emailed just a few days prior. I had just read a funny post of hers on Facebook. I had smiled when I saw that she had scored a discounted Kitchen Aid Mixer for herself as a Mother's Day present. What was happening? This couldn't be right.

Zoe had moved to Madison, Wisconsin, a few years back, but had stayed connected to the Hyde Park parents' group through our email list. She and I liked to compare favorite Madison notes, having first really bonded over our devotion to the handmade glycerine soap from The Soap Opera. She was really funny, really interesting, and really resilient. A single mom by choice, she had two beautiful children, aged 8 and 4. She homeschooled, grew her own food, had chickens for fresh eggs, and was very active in the raw milk movement. She is the only person I know who would make whole batches of kale for her kids and have them begging for more. She was a super-mom, by every measure. They were a tight unit, the three of them bonded together, and it is impossible to imagine the impact of the fracture that has taken place with her loss.

More details soon followed as I was called by one of Zoe's friends, who had found my number in Zoe's cell phone. Apparently, Zoe had a stomach ache on Friday evening, and told friends that she was hoping to wait until the next morning to go to urgent care instead of going to the ER that night. I could relate to that---how many times have I had that debate with myself, especially given the cost and hassle of the ER? The next morning, unfortunately, her children tried to wake her, and she was unresponsive. They ran to the neighbor's house for help, and it was soon discovered that Zoe was gone. Child-protective services stepped in, making sure that the kids stayed at the neighbor's house. Good friends arrived who had plans with Zoe for that morning, and were stunned. They tried to see the kids, but they were not allowed to---apparently, if the kids were to see family friends, they would be less likely to go with the authorities later. The friends offered to take the family dog, Emma, but this was also refused, and the dog has ended up at the Humane Society. The family's chickens were also removed. Since Friday, the children have been with social workers, with no contact with anyone that they know, in large part because they do not have any idea what legal provision Zoe made for them.

She was so meticulous, so organized, so responsible for those kids, I cannot imagine any scenario in which she did not have a legal guardian chosen for these precious children. Hopefully today, now that the weekend is over, attorneys who have been contacted will get the messages that were left, and access to Zoe's home (which has been blocked off except for Child Protective Services) will reveal paperwork that states her intentions. In the meantime, my heart is full of prayer for those little ones, who have had trauma piled on trauma in just a few days time.

Mike and I are now talking seriously about our will in a way we haven't ever before. We had let it lapse when the discussions got sticky and hard, when we had to really figure out who we would want to take care of EJ if we were to pass away, and how we would ask. Hearing of Zoe's passing, the veil of fear surrounding the completion of our will seemed foolish, and as a result, we have already started making steps to get things signed, sealed, and delivered.

It also occurred to us, though, that having the paperwork is not enough. It hasn't been in Zoe's case. As tricky as it is, we need to have age-appropriate talks with EJ, so that she knows that a) she has a whole army of people who love her and would protect her if anything were to ever happen to us, b) if ever she were to find us incapacitated, she should contact a neighbor and/or police, and she would be okay, and c) if she gives the people helping her the names (and phone numbers, since we know she can memorize them) of her grandparents, uncles and aunts, and our close friends, she will be able to help them to help her.

The practicality of giving her the nuts and bolts of self-protection---just as Zoe's daughter knew that going to the neighbor's house was the right idea---seems so clear. The deeper spiritual message, however, is also there, and is what I've been thinking about as my heart was cracked open imagining the current situation of my friend's kids. It's the messages we, as EJ's parents, must pass on to her, repeated as many ways as possible, so that they are written indelibly in the mind when needed.

No matter what, you will be okay, that God is always there with you, and God's love and protection is infinite and complete.

We would never, ever leave you by choice, but no matter what, our love is with you in your heart forever, and our love is demonstrated in the care and attention we put into making sure that you have a loving, wonderful place to grow-up, with or without us.

Yes, we are here, but even more importantly, you are able to care for yourself in your life's journey, with the help of those that love you, no matter the circumstances. That is our gift to you, an understanding that you are capable of wholeness from childhood to adulthood, with God's help.

I think Zoe was doing that work, and I am following her example, committed to do it, too. I've been rereading Zoe's messages to the parent support network, and don't think she would mind if I shared this, a query she posted just last fall. Aside from the very sweet main content, take a look, also, at the quote she used for her sign-off:

This is at the request of my 7.5yo dd. ;-)

I cook quite a bit making up my own recipes as I go along or heavily modifying recipes that I come across and my daughter has asked that I make a keepsake of the recipes that I make up so that she can have them when she's a grown up. I never write anything down and have picked things up along the way from watching people in my family when I was a kid and wayyy too many cooking shows (:::blush::: ). I do cook quite a bit with the kids and I think that those things in particular are things they'd like to have but... how? I never inherited any recipe books or recipe cards or even recipes on scraps of paper. I do recall things like "pound cake has 5 ingredients and you go from there" and that's about it.

Are there any methods or materials that others have found particularly helpful or memorable for receiving or passing along or otherwise preserving family recipes? I do spend hours a day cooking so I would love to be able to make this a memory making activity for my kids.

TIA for any ideas and suggestions! !

Best,
Zoe
mom to 7.5yo [girl] and 3yo [boy]

"Circumstances are beyond the control of man; but his conduct is in his own power." - Benjamin Disraeli, English statesman and novelist (1804-81)

This is just one of many posts from Zoe documenting how she and the kids were working on memory-making, spending time enjoying the present, and savoring the best of what their life together had to offer, no matter her circumstances. I know that Zoe's daughter will carry the recipes Zoe began cataloging with her throughout her life, and will not soon forget the tender care her mom took in thoughtfully preparing healthy, delicious meals for her. I pray that the time that she and her brother spend away from friends and family will end soon, and Zoe's spirit can rest easy knowing that her children are in loving care.

As for me, I'm thinking about the limits of motherhood---how the time I have is so very, very precious, and how, with faith and hard work, I can try to break past the limits of time and space to give my daughter the gift of knowing that, even on our most frustrating day together, she has a mother that loves her deeply and and completely, and that this will never, ever, disappear.