Deliciousness

T minus one day and counting until the big launch to kindergarten, and while the pangs of "oh my goodness, this little person is such a grown-up kid and is going to kindergarten already and wowser, this is going so fast I can't hang on tightly enough to avoid feeling a little motion sick as moment after moment of my daughter's childhood whips past my eyes," I'm also feeling a lot of excitement about the opportunity that is awaiting the two of us with the start of school.

For her, I see greater chances to grow, to learn, to socialize, to develop her already strong curiosity, to mature, to live her destiny/fight her battles/find her strengths---in short, to become more deeply and fully the person she is.

For me, the schedule now opens up, and the time I have to dedicate to things other than my daughter's immediate needs spills out in front of me with a soft, uncertain emptiness that I would call, for lack of a better term, delicious. I'm not fretting about that emptiness---I have scads of work, projects, ideas, classes, etc. that can fill it, and will, before I blink an eye. I'm fully aware that, within a few weeks, I will be as busy and as scheduled as ever, so I'm taking a little time this week just to savor all the opportunity in front of me, to reflect and to plan, to set out some new goals (for myself, for our house, for my professional development, and even [gasp!] for my own enjoyment).

In this strange moment of anticipation, I literally feel both a lump in my throat (with tears welling up frequently) and a bright, open, airy feeling in my chest (with a lightness and gratitude for all that is coming our way). It is a strange mix, but it feels right, not melancholy in the slightest. I'd guess the recipe for this feeling starts with a tried-and-true, sturdy base of parental unconditional love (this would be the butter creamed with sugar, I imagine), mixes in a heaping tablespoon of responsibility and (likely unnecessary) first-time-kindergarten-mom worry, but then folds in a light-as-meringue, healthy portion of newfound personal freedom (for both me and my daughter), which takes the heavy mixture and transforms into something more ethereal and sweet. I guess we'll see what happens this fall once this concoction starts baking, but today, before it goes into the oven, I have a good, warm feeling about our dish.