Gentle

It has happened before, so I should have seen it coming. Did I? No. Get out my Bridges, we are prepping for transition, and the naughty-behavior meter is beeping and lighting up and generally reacting as if there is nuclear material in the vicinity. Sigh.

This year has been wonderful for EJ and me---as she has grown and exercised her independence in kindergarten, her personality has really developed, and we have had so much fun together. Her behavior, on the whole, has been dreamy. I have really liked age five, and I think that she has, too.

Lately, though, she has been out-of-sorts. Lots of whining. Lots of crying at the end of playdates. Lots of begging for treats and goodies and privileges she can't have, even moments after receiving a treat or goody or privilege. Lots of getting out of bed over and over and over to try to stay up late. Lots of using a tone that can be described generously as "sassing." Lots of feelings, spilling all over the place.

What has been my reaction? Sadly, mostly annoyance. I am occasionally patient, occasionally easy-going, and occasionally that mom we all dream about having, but mostly...well, mostly, I have grown increasingly short with EJ as these behavioral episodes become more frequent.

Then yesterday, as we were having "Meltdown out of nowhere that is more characteristic of a three-year-old #256" as we were leaving the grocery store after school, it dawned on me: "Kori, kindgergarten is ending. Everyone is talking about it. Of course there are a lot of emotions bubbling up for EJ, and of course they are being directed at you and Mike. You are safe. She is transitioning. You need a different approach."

So, even though we've seen this happen at the beginning of preschool, at the close of preschool, around each birthday, at the beginning of kindergarten, and before/after each holiday break, it took me a full three weeks, at least, of beating my head up against the wall wondering why my child is being such a pill to recognize what is going on.

As soon as I figured this out, I felt a weight lifted off of me. After I made sure she had strapped herself into the car, I asked her to focus her tear-stained face on mine, took her head in my hands, looked her in the eye and said, "Honey, I know that kindergarten is ending soon, you have a lot of feelings coming up about that." Her body relaxed. She nodded and quietly said, "Yes." I went on, saying, "I understand, sweetheart, and I'm going to be gentle with your feelings, and with you, because I know that there is so much you might need to express. But I need you to be gentle with me, too, and your dad. You can't act poorly just because you are upset, but you can talk to us and ask for hugs and let us know that you are upset."

It didn't solve everything, but it solved my biggest problem: it changed my intention. Last night, when she whined for treats, I was calm. When she came out of bed three times, I was firm and kind. She didn't act up less, and I didn't suddenly become a push-over, but the whole thing really did feel more gentle. I also realized that my impatience, as much as it is a reaction to her behavior, is also my own experience of transition. I am worried about this safe, wonderful kindergarten experience ending. I'm trying to remember every date for end-of-year celebrations being sent my way. I'm trying to make plans for the long summer, hoping to fill in enough activities to keep both of us content. I have a lot of change, too, and if I'm gentle with her, I can be gentle with myself.