JUSTice

It took me thirty-seven years to come to this conclusion: with rare exception, the word "just," when inserted into a seemingly innocuous question asked during casual conversation, will render the question completely annoying to me. The joy of just that can be found in a statement (i.e.. "You are just in time for dessert!" or "It's just a flesh wound.") is sapped right out when placed in a query, especially one about another individual's current status.

In the past few weeks I have heard the following justs, and they all are twinge-worthy---if reading them aloud to yourself, make sure to include the irritating "up-speak" that tends to happen at the end:

1) So....you've decided on just the one child, huh?*
2) What are you up to these days, just mommy stuff?**
3) Could you just try to make it, even if you are busy?***

At twenty-seven, I probably would have taken the justs personally, and never said a word. Ten years and thousands of justs later, I have these replies. Of course, I didn't use them at the time I was asked those questions---I'm still just a little too worried about manners and politeness, I suppose---but that is just where a blog comes in handy.

1) So....you've decided on just the one child, huh?

Yes, if infertility is a decision, but of course, you weren't looking for information so personal now, were you? Were you just curious? Just inappropriate? Just not expecting me to understand that the tone of your question implies that I didn't make a correct choice, even though you were too silly to realize that I may or may not have had a choice in the matter.

Should I just take a moment now that you've opened this can of worms to tell you more about where babies come from, just to make both of us squirm even more? Sorry, that's going overboard. Don't ask again, though, because I will go there. Yes...yes, I will, and millions of infertile couples around the globe will smile a simultaneous smile together, although they won't know why. They'll just enjoy the moment through some sort of infertility-jedi mindmeld.

Further point of fact: just one child this awesome is plenty for anyone. Also, please go away.

2) What are you up to these days, just mommy stuff?

Hmm...well, I guess it is just mommy stuff if it involves generally feeding, clothing, and caring for a household, supporting a husband in grad school, holding down part-time jobs, seeking even more employment, trying to manage all of our schedules, trying to plan for an uncertain future that may/may not start soon because we never know when grad school will be over, and making sure laundry-homework-carpool-meals-bills-etc. get attended to every day, then yes, I am just doing mommy stuff.

I wonder if I added "just" before asking you about your life if it would be hard to answer my question without feeling a bit like you have to justify your existence? Does this just make me seem defensive? Yeah, it probably does, but the thing is I'm on to how adding "just" to the mommy question basically negates the value of the time spent, effort expended, and talent used, and really, I don't buy it. Instead of privately not buying it, I want you to know you shouldn't buy it (or sell it, or trade it, or even peruse it in the shopping aisle because you've got a great coupon for it) either.

Further point of fact: even if I just had to do strictly parental stuff, I would be busier than I have been at any other time of my life. Also, please go away.

3) Could you just try to make it, even if you are busy?***

Well, if I was free, I would have said yes, but I'm not free, so I said no. I even said, "I'm busy, I'm so sorry." Have you been talking to my 5-year old, who negotiates endlessly for more candy/treats/playtime/etc., even after I have said no? "Mama, can I just have one more snack before dinner? Just one more game on the computer? Just 10 more minutes before bed?" Dude, no means no, and if I'm not backing down from the wee one who lives with me and really can make my life he%$ when she's ticked, I'm not going to get ruffled by another adult, right?

There's where you have me, though, and I think you just might know that, because I really want to be helpful. Just the gal for the job, all the time---just what the doctor ordered, just the person we need, just, just, just. Just + guilt = powerful elixir for mind-changing, so please, just don't do it! Don't ask me to overextend myself (please see the note on how I am "just doing mommy stuff") when I've said I can't. It is just not nice.

Further point of fact: any volunteer that is there under duress will likely just get the job done, but will not be there to do it ever again. Also, please watch me go away.

Just sayin'.




* If you are one of my friends who has opened up this discussion with me, thoughtfully asking how/why/if we decided to have only one child, or someone who would like to talk about this, you are always, always, always welcome. No justification needed, I swear. For the record, I feel no shame about experiencing infertility, and no worry about sharing my feelings about it, I just tire over child-based judgements, which can hit multiple-kid households (i.e. "Wow, you guys just decided to keep having kids, huh?") just as easily.

** If you are one of my friends who has opened up this discussion with me, thoughtfully expressing how "mommy stuff" can be overwhelming/all-consuming/boring/exhilarating/absolutely nothing like what any of us really expected, or someone who would like to find out my ever-changing, ever-evolving thoughts on this, don't hesitate to call. "Mommy stuff" is the one-part top-level executive, one-part rank-and-file-union worker with inadequate benefits job that needs a better support group, or at least a good 1-800 number, but in absence of those things, we'll just need to talk it out together.

*** Really, don't ask me to over-do. To quote Saturday Night Live, "Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball." I mean it.